Cloudy with Slight Chance of McFlurries

After last Wednesday's cookie episode (a kind of anorexic Episode I: The Phantom Menace), I decided that I would make up for it by drinking a milkshake or something similar on Thursday. When I mentioned that as one of my goals for the day during Thursday's Goals Group, the therapist and group members suggested a McFlurry from McDonald's. A McFlurry is essentially a thicker milkshake, I guess, and I didn't feel like arguing. I did, however, argue with myself throughout the day. I began to modify the goal to include the possibility of getting a smoothie instead of the more "dangerous" milkshake or McFlurry I had committed to. The therapist called me on it - she let me know that a smoothie was a safer option and helped me to realize that I was again talking myself out of taking a risk based on an extreme, perhaps unjustified, fear.

So, I ate an Oreo McFlurry. But I had generous backup. Knowing that I was anxious about it, the whole group (which is small right now) accompanied me to the Golden Arches during snack-time so that I could order my fear and eat it, too - with others enjoying desserts of their own. It was blown a bit out of proportion, as much by me as anyone, but I finished the McFlurry and enjoyed it at the time. I was thankful for the moral support the group provided, but my eating disorder wasn't as appreciative. So, later that evening I did some exercise - which is prohibited for me, or, at least, against recommendations. It wasn't too intense, but, still, the treatment team recommends that I refrain from any exercise besides yoga until I've put on enough weight to support greater physical activity without burning excessive calories and shedding hard-won pounds.

On one level, I think the McFlurry was a success. I ate it, which was my goal for the day. But, all the same, I subsequently engaged in "behaviors," as we call them here.

Either way, I've still some work to do...