To Begin...

When I first thought to start blogging about my ongoing stint in an eating disorder treatment program, I figured I would provide some background on my experience with anorexia nervosa. This was to include as complete an historical account as my memory was capable of providing, perhaps with a few embellishments – some intentional, many not. However, I'm not going to do this. No matter how comprehensive my account may be, I still don't really understand how, why, or even when specifically I became anorexic. Educated guesses are still just guesses.

Ultimately, I have to focus on getting better using whatever exercises, methods, therapeutic schools of thought, nutritional plans, etc., etc….I have to use whatever works or could work to help me get well. The past can certainly be useful, but today’s commitments provide "here-and-now" material for "here-and-now" action. And action has the final say in whether or not I change. I could talk forever about my history and endlessly interpret and reinterpret its instructions and guidance. But, all the same, I'd be guessing. Not to mention that I tend to use analysis of the past as a safe, perhaps false, way of addressing my condition. Thinking back is a convenient way to occupy your time when you are afraid to think presently, and the same goes for thinking ahead. Plus, you can’t act on thoughts of past or future events. On present thoughts you can.

All of that is to say that I'm going to report on my everyday experience here at the eating disorder treatment center. I'm over 3 weeks into the program, so I may make up for lost time by writing a bit about the past 3 weeks; but I'll try to keep the time machine within that limited airspace. Inevitably, I'll say something about the extended past and predict the future, elaborate on memories or prophecies brought up by the present day's events. But, hopefully, most of what I post here will remain present-thinking. Hopefully, what I post will show daily progress towards a mental state where I might just think less and let my emotions have more of the floor. Hopefully, I’ll stop hoping and start doing.

Please comment liberally, and help me to keep on track.